i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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