Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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