i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
third nipple confirmed
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
