we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
