I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
