Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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