Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
