Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
