When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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