i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
