I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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