It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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