my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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