I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
