I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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