Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize