i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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