I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
