I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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