the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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