i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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