dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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