who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Randomize
