So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
