I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
