Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
