I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
