i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
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