I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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