It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
