hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
