my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Randomize