Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
