I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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