Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
