I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
