I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
