Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
