Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
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