Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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