did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Congratulations! We have a period
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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