I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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