Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I got inside last night via doggy door
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
