I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
