omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I party with great urgency now.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
