I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
