His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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