I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Randomize
