It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
