I met the friendliest cop last night
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Randomize
