is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
Where are you???
With some dude on the way to his house to blaze
You went back to a stranger's house????
He isn't a stranger...he used to be on kids, inc.
I love LA.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize