I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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