So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
