I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
