god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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