I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
