so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
