So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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