fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Randomize
