I just cut my nipple shaving
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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