you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
