Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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